In between playing for the United Baseball League’s Laredo Broncos and practicing mixed martial arts, former steroid user and current Major League Baseball pariah Jose Canseco has a Twitter account. I’m not going to mince words here – Jose’s Twitter is awesome. Most recently, the former Texas Rangers, Oakland Athletics, Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, Tampa Bay Rays, New York Yankees and Chicago White Sox – in no specific order – player claimed that the show Eastbound and Down is based on his life. Because we famously remember Canseco as a foul-mouthed redneck relief pitcher.

But despite the glaring inaccuracy of his claim, Canseco believes that the show should bring him on as a consultant. And that makes sense because Canseco is f*cking broke and is desperate for anything. According to the history of his Tweets, he’s not making any money by playing in the UBL and he’s been evicted and is living in someone’s garage. Aside from that, though, Canseco is staying positive because he’s achieving his dream of still hitting home runs in a softball league at the age of 46, and he’s putting haters in their places, despite MLB’s conspiracy to keep him down.

Samples of his awesomeness after the jump.

Canseco is broke and practically homeless because he does things like not show up to book signings that he’s already been paid for. And I could sit here and write the laundry list of idiotic things he’s done since he released his book “Juiced” and nuked his bridges with MLB, but I’ll let his Tweets speak for themselves:

I need an attorney pro bono my lanlord evicted me and would not let me take my chandeleers with me ,need your help to get them back (Ed. – My favorite, absolutely killed me when I first read this)

Guys don’t be jealous cause I am tall dark and handsome and just turned 46 and have a gorgeous 23 year old girlfriend not to mention that

I want to be on pros vs joes. I can out distance and beet any human being in a home run hitting competition.I am watching the football comp

I am sleeping in someones garage but its pretty good

Mlb has gone out of there way to distroy my life and they have succeded.I didn’t realize how powerful they are till now.

I am going to be a manager of a mlb team someday

Hey golic u think I am a joke in the ring I won’t hold u up and go easy on u. Knock your fat ass out

I need an investor to open up my own baseball indoor school.if your interested please email me at jc7264@yahoo.com

I am hung like a clydesdale dammmm I am good

So if you’re keeping track at home, Canseco has a reality TV show, plays independent league baseball, wants to be a professional manager, thinks he should be a consultant on a hilarious comedy that’s actually based on guys like Mitch Williams and John Rocker, wants to fight Mike Golic, thinks that Internet haters will burn in hell, fought a 60-year old man but then chastised people who would fight a 60-year old man, is opening his own baseball school, will prove to the world that guys like he, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Juan Gonzalez should be in the Hall of Fame because they didn’t even need steroids, and has a big d*ck.

Oh yes, life is good for Jose Canseco.

It looks like Funny Or Die has officially embraced the longstanding Tosh.0 tradition of cramming your funny video full of sports celebrities to get it covered everywhere on the Internet — just a week after they recast Dennis Haysbert as Terrence Mann in a Twilight-flavored Field of Dreams sequel, Funny Or Die has revisited the Kenny Powers K-Swiss endorsement by having him take over the company and stock it with everyone from Matt Cassel to Rey Mysterio.

Watch the full video below, with two major warnings:

1. It is extremely funny, and
2. It features Kenny Powers, so please anticipate the foul language and adult situations that result.

This includes boob mugs and high-fiving dead animals.

Because this is also television related, be sure to head over to Warming Glow and watch all the awesome follow-up and behind-the-scenes videos that go along with it. Who knew you could bottle the scent … of boner?

[h/t Cajun Boy]

Yesterday was a strong day of traffic at With Leather thanks to an appearance by Kate Upton playing baseball in little shorts. Unfortunately, Kate spent her Monday evening chilling out, eating celery sticks or whatever and watching the Home Run Derby on the 2,000 inch flatscreen in [insert billionaire rapper industrialist here]‘s private jet, so we don’t have another gallery. However, the Internet doesn’t work in real time and these pictures are great even if you’ve flipped through them already, so support your local website and pretend like you had no idea who she was until you clicked the following link.

Thank you for your patronage.

Sports

Kate Upton, Erin Andrews, and the Best of the MLB Celebrity Softball Game - What’s weirder, how less hot Erin Andrews becomes when she’s standing beside Kate Upton and Jennie Finch, or Andy from “Parks and Recreation” without facial hair? Dude looks like a thick Stephen Dorff, I don’t know if I can handle it. Also, couldn’t somebody drag Aubrey Plaza to this thing? I want to see her swing a bat. |With Leather|

NBA Lockout Report: Paul Pierce, High Stakes Poker Player - Hopefully Pierce has linked his PSN to the Rockstar Social Club and obtained the Gentleman’s Attire, allowing him to get into the high stakes poker games at Blackwater Hotel. To make this joke even better, Pierce should change into his Miami Heat outfit before the next game so LeBron and Wade won’t show aggression toward him until he tries to score. |Smoking Section|

Today’s 25 Most Successful Comedy Actors by Winning Percentage - Winning percentage is a sports thing! But it’s pretty unfair to start Danny McBride at Pineapple Express, considering how awesome he was in All the Real Girls. “I know that albóndiga is meatball soup. Uh, dios is…” |Pajiba|

K-Swiss Kenny Powers Ad Campaign - Speaking of Danny McBride, I realized the other day that I’ve inadvertently collected nearly his entire filmography. The Foot Fist Way, Observe and Report, Up in the Air, Hot Rod, All the Real Girls … I just need to justify owning a copy of Land of the Lost and I’m set. Hey, I hear they put a bunch of adult situations into a thing meant for kids. LOL! |Warming Glow|

Not Sports

Marine Asks Mila Kunis to Marine Corps Ball, She Accepts - I like to think Mila Kunis in real life is just her character in Black Swan, young and beautiful and passionately perfect at everything. Oh, and also when I’m having sex with her backstage I get to freak out and pretend she’s Natalie Portman. Mila Kunis is awesome. |Film Drunk|

New Rebecca Black Single Dropping Soon. You’ve Been Warned - It’s gonna be hilarious to see the Internet justify their “meh, underwhelmed” and “sophomore slump” talking points about a girl they only supported because she was terrible. I hope the new song is like, Lady Gaga “Monster” good and blows us out of the water. That’s the only way this can work. |UPROXX|

Nerd Beats Super Mario Bros. with Lowest Score Possible - A testament to how good this game is: 30 years later we’re still finding ways to play it. This is still nowhere near as funny as Hamid’s Super Mario Bros. speed run.|Topless Robot|

The Best of Wonder Woman Cosplay - Gonna use this to try out my “the rest of Uproxx” headline. Best of Wonder Woman Cosplay? Best of Wonder Woman Cosplay. Hey, that’s fun! |Gamma Squad|

Josh Cox is one of the great American runners, but it wasn’t that long ago when he was dirt poor with awful hair. When K-Swiss had their four-day shoot to restart their awesome Kenny Powers “MFCEO” campaign, With Leather’s Josh Zerkle was invited to check it out and spend time with the athletes supporting the California-based shoe brand. Among those was ultramarathon runner and reality show alum Josh Cox, who discussed some of the tools of his trade with Zerkle in a roundtable discussion last month. While you may never set the American record for the 50K or run a marathon in 2:15:01, you might try after reading this inspiring discussion. Portions of this Q&A were edited for clarity and space.

With Leather: So how long can you actually run on a single pair of shoes?

Josh Cox: That’s an interesting question. I was on the standard athlete shipment, so I assume I was getting these shoes like all the triathletes are getting and everyone else, and I’m like, “I need more shoes, man!” [laughs] Shoes will typically last up to 500 miles. That’s the rule of thumb, but now the way that they’re made, the treads don’t wear out as fast. I look at the bottoms and I think, “My shoes look great.” But what you want to look at is the cushioning system. Look at the side of the shoe, and when you start to see a breakdown through the sole, that’s the cushioning system breaking down. You won’t realize it until you put on the fresh pair and go, “Whoa! These feel awesome!”

In your peak training, is that a new pair every two weeks or so?

Yeah. But I like them new and I get them for free. I like to get new shoes after every 350 miles or so.

Did you ever use those barefoot-simulating shoes? The ones with the toes in them?

Oh yeah. So…[long pause]…I have a large social network, and I get guys on Twitter and Facebook and they’re always asking me, “What do you think about these?” These are guys that identify themselves as barefoot runners. “Barefoot Runner Mike,” like that’s literally his screenname. Whatever. But I’ll tell you this: I thank barefoot running for learning how to run properly. It’s a great tool and we actually do some of that. You want to strike you foot in the middle of your foot. You don’t want a heel strike. Heel striking is breaking.

A lot more stress goes into the leg when you’re heel striking. It’s a shock. When you strike on the mid-foot, the shock happens underneath the body. When you’re out on your heel, it’s too much. Lots of injuries happen that way.

I’ve been to Africa. I’ve trained with the Kenyans in their camps. And I’ve been out there with them, and yeah, the schoolchildren are chasing us while they’re carrying their books and yelling “Mazunga! Mazunga!” That’s Swahili for “white man!” They would come up to me and say, “Why are you running? Europeans don’t run.” And I’d say, I’m not European. But they’ve been doing this since they were four years old, and they’re built…they’re Kenyan. They weigh 120 pounds and they’re running on dirt.

I wish I had a nickel for every Barefoot Runner Mike who reached out to me in the last year, saying he was dedicated to barefoot running and later said, “I’m injured.” People want to go out and run 20 miles barefoot and I know it’s cool or whatever but you’re gonna get hurt. And to each his own, but…

Would you recommend doing that once a week? Or–

Yeah. In small doses, I think it’s fine, it’s actually a good idea. If you can start by walking around the house, the mall in your bare feet [Editor's Note: Ew.], there are a lot of muscles in your feet you don’t use because we have shoes. Then, when you start running with those things, stay on soft surfaces. There’s nothing worse as a runner than being injured. When you want to get out the door, and you can’t, it’s horrible. You need to start slow. That would be my advice.

How did you decide to make running a career? Surely there’s a lot more adversity in doing that than, say, playing professional baseball or tennis.

I’ve been running marathons full-time since 2000. I ran my first marathon in 1999. I was supposed to pace a guy through 17 miles. I ran 2:19. I was the youngest qualifier for the Olympic trials ever. That got me into some physiological testing with another shoe company at the UC-Davis labs. I was one of 55 people tested for their distance-running potential. I was signed along with five other guys. Changing running from my avocation to my vocation was a huge turning point for me. Being able to focus and say, “My job is to run” and running 140 miles a week without a job was easier than running 110 miles with a job. That was huge.

What was your job?

I graduated school [from Liberty University] and was looking at master’s programs in kinesiology. I was a phys ed major and I just didn’t want to go to school anymore. I just wanted to qualify for the trials. I had a part-time job working for my dad initially, but we nearly killed each other, so I went to work for my buddy’s dad at a technology firm. Management. Projects. Making calls to people. They were flexible with scheduling around my workouts. I was trying to make ends meet with Bisquick and Smart Start cereal. I had that for every meal. Not just breakfast.

But you asked about the challenges. For me I’ve always followed my heart. I think you have to do what you love and pursue your passions. And when you love what you do, you never go to work. I knew that if I could make this a career, I would love waking up every day to do my job. And I do.

But yeah, there are those days when I’m sitting on the couch and don’t want to go out, especially when I have a 35-mile run on the schedule. And I just think to myself, “This is gonna hurt.” But I enjoy it and relish it. I’m doing what I love. Like you guys, you followed your passions. You’re doing what you love. It’s fun.

You were on “The Bachelorette,” right?

I was on the show in 2005, and one of the guys on the show said, “Well you’re just lucky. You get to do what you love for your job.” And I said “Thanks,” and smiled, but [starting to get disgusted] it wasn’t luck. It was a chore. You make a choice. I was broke. I wrecked my Toyota truck with no insurance. Had to sell it for scraps. I bought a 10-speed bike and was running in the morning and then biking to work, riding home, working out again, going to bed. No social life. I’d wake up the next morning, and second verse/same as the first. I burned the candle at both ends. I couldn’t have done that for ten years, but I said, “I’m gonna try this, and I’m gonna get over the hump.”

Most people aren’t willing to go through those lean times. After every Tuesday night we’d all go to this pub called Shakespeare’s. We’d go there and the soccer matches would be on. Everyone would order their food, and I’d be sitting there with $1.10, but I knew for $1.10, I could get two biscuits for 55 cents each and a water. And I’d put Splenda in the water so it’d kinda taste like…something. And that was my life. And then I’d go home and I’d make some waffles.

But I was willing to sacrifice. People don’t walk up to you and say, “Hey, here’s your TV commercial and here’s your six-figure contract.” It doesn’t work that way. If you’re willing to pay the price and you’re willing to go through the lean times, you can pursue whatever’s in your heart. But that comes at a price.

In just four years, San Francisco 49ers linebacker Patrick Willis has already taken his place as one of the greats in the game today. When K-Swiss had their four-day shoot to restart their awesome Kenny Powers “MFCEO” campaign, With Leather’s Josh Zerkle was invited to check it out and spend time with the athletes supporting the California-based shoe brand. Willis was reached via phone and asked about his experiences with the K-Swiss campaign.  Portions of this Q&A were edited for clarity and space.

So what are you up to today?

My girlfiend is getting her nails done, and I came with her. Once a month, I try to come in and get my feet done. I know some people are like, “Man, I’m a dude,” but it really helps. I don’t my nails painted or any of that. But yeah, once a month I like to come in and get my feet done, keep my heels from busting open. That kind of thing.

Your girlfriend probably appreciates that, too.

Right, yeah. [Laughs].

So, first question. Are you best inside linebacker in football right now?

[Pause.] Yessir.

Yes! [Clapping hysterically] That’s awesome!

But I say that with some humbleness and hunger behind that, you know? You said, right now, at this point in time? That was a weird question. You asked me that question, I mean, what else am I gonna say? I believe in myself, but there are guys out there like Ray [Lewis] and Brian [Urlacher] and guys like Takeo [Spikes], those guys are the pioneers of the game and that’s who I’m chasing, to get a legacy comparable to their. You say those names, and you just think “Wow, those guys can play.” True players. That’s what I’m trying to get to.

I think it says a lot about the quality of your play that a west-coast guy that plays defense can…I mean, those aren’t the guys that get endorsements in the NFL, and now here you are doing work for K-Swiss. I think that says a lot about what you’ve done in just four years in the league.

Yeah, it has been a blessing. I don’t let it get to my head. I’m still trying to think about how I can get better. Today, I wanted to rest. I know I needed rest, I don’t feel like I can rest. What if somebody else is working today? So I gotta do something, whether it’s mentally or something physically, I gotta do something.

Yesterday was supposed to be my day off, but then I walked inside my gym at the house and I was like, “Ahhhh, alright!” So I just went at it.

Where does that come from? That desire, that pride..we have so many different names for it. But what was that kept you in that gym? Where does that come from?

I think…I don’t know. I think it’s just something that…you know some things you just don’t know the answer to. I think it’s just something that the good Lord called me for. I think it’s what He called me to do. He blessed me.

My dad, you know, he wasn’t really into sports, but I was always playing pick-up football or pick-up basketball or baseball than trying to go to bonfire parties or any of that stuff. I just think that was instilled in me.

Let me ask you about your team. You have a great team, a young team, and you played well in a lot of games. Do you think Mike Singletary got a fair shake at the head job? He was only there for two years? I know you worked with him when he was your position coach. How do you feel about the way that all went down?

At the end of the day, I understand it’s a business. I know that Mike really wanted to be a head coach, and I think someday, his time will come again, and I think he’ll learn from the experience. I’m not saying he wasn’t cut out for the job. I think it was just part of his beginning.

I think I know what you mean.

I think next time, he’ll choose to do a few things differently. That’s part of the experience. I know for me, when I first got here, some of the things I was doing are not what I’m doing now. But at the end of the day, the owners wanted to go a different direction, and that’s what they’ve done. But Coach did a lot to help me mentally and physically. He taught me a lot of things about how to play the game. But I think the business side caught up to him. We’ve all got a boss.

Do you wear your K-Swiss shoes in games? Does K-Swiss even have a cleat model?

No, they don’t. I can wear any shoe that I want on the field.

I saw you tweet something about a run you went on the other day. And the song that got you through the homestretch of that run was Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight.”

Yeah [Laughs].

I just don’t think of that as a workout song.

[Sounding almost offended] You don’t think of that as a workout song?

No, I really don’t.

Honestly, I think that’s why you’re on that side of the phone and I’m on this side of the phone.

[Laughing]

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Links

The Bizarre Twitter Obsession With Tim Tebow Possibly Having Herpes - Apparently Twitter has never heard of cold sores. Ron Mexico has herpes AND murdered a bunch of dogs, let’s stay focused here, people. [Buzzfeed]

Arkansas State’s One-Armed Fan Deserves Props for an Awesome Sign - Well done. Also, it’s fun to pretend “Brobible” rhymes with “probable”. [Brobible]

The Best Of #Jack Donaghy - “I tracked him down to an address in Brooklyn. He’s on LinkedIn, Lemon. He might as well be dead.” [UPROXX]

The World Was A Much Better Place With MTV’s Rock N Jock Sports - Don’t sleep on this gallery of pants Dan Cortese has worn. MTV should bring this back, but first they’ve got to seem like they’re run by human beings again. [With Leather]

Jay-Z Delivers New Song “Glory” For Baby Blue Ivy - Nas should record a Blue Ivy diss track, now. Jay whimpering about how beautiful his daughter is really puts those SHE’S THE DAUGHTER OF THE ILLUMINATI SATAN rumors into perspective, doesn’t it? [Smoking Section]

“Shameless” Season Two Review: Emmy Rossum Now Even More Naked than Ever - I love how HBO and Showtime have basically just turned into the Mr. Skin Network. Emmy Rossum should try filming an episode with her shirt on and see if the show gets any better. [Pajiba]

Kenny Powers Is Back. Thank God. - “You know what? I can already tell that I don’t like you. And I’m probably not gonna like you no matter how many pull-ups or push ups you can do.” [Warming Glow]

Here’s The Ghost Rider 2/He-Man Mashup Absolutely No One Saw Coming - Solid, but not as good as the Four Non Blondes/He-Man mash-up (though few things are). [UPROXX]

What’s With The Devil Inside’s Ending? - I hate this so much I can barely put it into words. This is the Lynchburg Virginia Haunted House of movies. Sure, the house is great, but there’s a dude waiting to tell me to go to his church and get keen on Jesus at the end. [Film Drunk]

Is Spanish Actress Lina Sanz Angelina Jolie’s Long Lost Twin? - I bet Angelina Jolie is really tired of people sending this to her. I also bet she’s never used a computer, and sends e-mails via courier. [The FW]

The Largely Depressing Fates Of 10 Iconic Child Actors - If the people who wrote this think Chunk losing weight and becoming a lawyer is depressing, they should read about what happened to the little girl who voiced Ducky in The Land Before Time. THAT sh*t is depressing. [FARK]

Altering More Childhood Memories with Betty Rubble and Wilma Flintstone Cosplay - Forget Betty, Pebbles circa ‘The Pebbles & Bamm-Bamm Show’ is where it’s at. [Unreality]

Oh, sorry, the Kate Upton Sports Illustrated cover story is AFTER the Morning Links, this is a guy literally busting nuts. With his butt. Sorry for the confusion!

(via The FW)

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- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

The Best Of #Kenny Powers - “So, besides getting shot in the back of the head do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school and no, I’m not making that up.” [UPROXX]

One ‘Community’ Character Will Die: Let’s Place Odds - Can it please be Chang? There’s nothing Chang does the Dean can’t do better. [Warming Glow]

5 Reasons “Comic Book Men” Stinks - Reason number f**king one: we are not 18 anymore, and “tell ‘em Steve-Dave” just doesn’t have the same impact. [Gamma Squad]

Sports, Illustrated: In Celebration Of Alex Morgan’s Body Paint Bikini - Lots of swimsuits this week. Make sure you didn’t miss the one made out of paint. [With Leather]

Nicki Minaj Offended The World At The Grammys - or, “Nicki Minaj did something on purpose to make headlines because she isn’t good at music and people bought it, because people are dumb”. [Smoking Section]

Henry Rollins’ awesome letter to Chris Farley from 1995 - Sadly, not the same Chris Farley. “YOUR FILM BLACK SHEEP WAS MALICIOUS AND CAPRICIOUS.” [Film Drunk]

Inevitable ‘Who The F*ck Is Bon Iver?’ Reactions Vastly Improved By The Rise Of ‘Bonnie Bear’ & ‘Bony Bear’ - Dude should just change his band’s name to Bonnie Bear and be done with it. I’d listen to Bonnie Bear. [UPROXX]

NYU Girls’ Newt Gingrich Slumber Party - Nowhere near as awesome as Kent State’s Dennis Kucinich parties, where all the girls are 6-foot-3 vegan redheads. [Buzzfeed]

15 Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes By Comedians - “Those flowers fer yer wife fer Valentine’s Day? NOPE, just thought I’d do a lil’ mid-February gardenin’! Here’s yer sign!” – Bill Engvall [HuffPost Comedy]

Jay Z’s ‘99 Problems’ Recreated with Film Clips - See, THIS is what the Internet is for. [Brobible]

Movies That Should Get The 3D Treatment - Not gonna lie, I would go see a 3-D re-release of Snow Dogs. Country Bears, too. [Adult Swim]

20 Favorite Rom-Com Actors Under 40 - I feel like you shouldn’t be a “rom-com actor”, you should just be an actor who has appeared in a romantic comedy. Once you get into Kate Hudson territory it’s time for retirement. [Moviefone]

8 Animal Misconceptions Rundown - Number 9: Dogs can’t look up. [High Definite]

Click to make it bigger. Personally I’m voting for Reggie Bush, because maybe if you have a bad enough life, the curse works in reverse?

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Links

What If Presidential Politicians Were More Like Kenny Powers? - I don’t know, Bill Clinton was already pretty much Kenny Powers and he was awesome. [Warming Glow]

Three Stooges trade Kate Upton’s heaving breasts for Sofia Vergara’s - Sorry, I’m gonna have to veto this trade. I may be interested in trading Kate for Monica Bellucci, though. [Film Drunk]

Leo Messi Hat-Trick Breaks Barcelona All-Time Goal Record - Puns about messy record-keeping, and at least two well-meaning jokes about how nobody watches soccer. [Smoking Section]|

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 3/19/12: Little Mac Versus Bald Bull - If you haven’t already, go read my thing about pretend underwear fighting. People watch it, but it isn’t any good. Woo! [With Leather]

If Don Draper Handled Modern Marketing - “He’d would’ve slept with Jenna Marbles at least two years ago.” [UPROXX]

Meme Watch: Pissed Old Guy Is Very Pissed, Very Old - Back in my day, we hung pictures of old people on the walls of our schools, we didn’t photoshop sentences over them. [UPROXX]

Funny, Sexy, And Awesome Cosplay Of The Week - +1000000 for Ruby Rhod cosplay. Also, I’d like to be friends with the lady doing demade Harley Quinn. [Gamma Squad]

8 Funny Faces Of The “Mad Men” Cast At The New York Stock Exchange - Needs more “Pete doing the Charleston”. The new season also needs that. [Buzzfeed]

The Funniest #RomneyToys - The only problem I have with funny Republican candidate jokes is that you can’t do the same thing with Obama, because being super racist is usually the only joke Republicans have for him. [HuffPost Comedy]

Two Firemen Dressed in Drag Put Out Burning Car - Yep. [The FW]

A Photographic History of Jennifer Lawrence’s Brief Career - This is barely an article and is just a bunch of pictures of Jennifer Lawrence, but I’m not gonna complain. [Pajiba]

Hell is Other People – How Gamers are Ruining Gaming - I feel their pain about online gaming. I went online once with Red Dead, wandered around scared out of my mind that somebody was gonna call me the n-word, then logged off. It wasn’t great. [Unreality]

Military Dad Dresses Up as Captain America to Surprise His Son by Coming Home on His Birthday - The guy Military Dad’s wife is sleeping with while he’s gone should show up as USAgent. [Brobible]

Patrick Willis obviously listens to Kenny F*cking Powers.

Kenny Powers isn’t perfect. I know, I spit out my Mountain Dew and bourbon when I wrote that, too. But it’s true. He’s a man who has made mistakes after tasting legend status, and he’s paid the greatest price for his arrogance in taking his God-given talent for granted. America, though, is about second chances and stories of redemption. That’s why when some people see Kenny as a man who hates foreigners, the truth is that he just loves American and feels “that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good.” Patriotism, indeed.

As Kenny continues his baseball renaissance and his climb back to the top, where he will wear the Scream mask all he wants, he has been given the unbelievable honor of becoming the first ever Mother F*cking CEO of K-Swiss. And his appointment is already changing the lives of thousands of professional athletes and millions of aspiring athletes. For once, thanks to Kenny Powers, his incredible motivational speaking ability and his opus, K-Swiss Blades – you’re f*cking in.

Hearing Kenny speak and feeling his words attack my ears like a bulletproof tiger, I can see how San Francisco 49ers linebacker Patrick Willis was inspired to chase down that slow ass animal and tackle it with his bare hands. That got me to thinking, aren’t there some athletes out there that could have used a guy like Kenny F*cking Powers years ago? You bet your Double D’s.

This makes me want to plug my ears with my fingers and shout-sing DO WAH DIDDY DIDDY DUM DIDDY DO. (via Cosby Sweaters)

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Links

10 Athletes Who Would Have Been Greater If They Listened To Kenny F*cking Powers - If you missed this yesterday, kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone. (but no, seriously, read it) [With Leather]

10 Celebrities Who Look Like Abandoned Mattresses - Somehow this may be the greatest meme in Internet history, simply for how accurate it is. Poor January Jones. [UPROXX]

Madonna Joins Twitter For A Day, Flirts With Deadmau5 - Prince should join Twitter, he should have a midi of one keyboard note playing in the background and every tweet should be the continuation of the same non-stop sentence. [UPROXX]

5 Directions Medicine Can Go In Now That Cancer Is Toast - More stuff that gives 70-year olds boners, please! [Gamma Squad]

Quick Hits: Verdicts and Renewal Odds on 5 New Television Series - Everything on CBS: loved and renewed. Everything on NBC: good stuff canceled, stuff that looks like it should be on CBS renewed. [Warming Glow]

Hunger Games Review: The Future is Blurry - I sure am excited to keep hearing people talk about this movie when I’m in line at the grocery store. [Film Drunk]

Question Of The Day: Who’s Copping The Air Yeezy 2? - I don’t know what that means. [Smoking Section]

20 Supporting Actors From ’90s TV Shows Then And Now - A nice follow-up to my Waldo Geraldo Faldo joke in yesterday’s Best and Worst Of WWE Raw report. [Buzzfeed]

‘Zou Bisou Bisou’ & 15 Other Awkward TV Serenades - David Brent and Greg Brady absolutely do not count. Uncle Jesse absolutely does. [HuffPost Comedy]

Forget Kony 2012, getting Steve Holt in the Arrested Development movie is the most important cause of the year - Steve Holt! Not getting arrested for public masturbation! [Fark]

‘Downton Abbey’ Gets an American Spoof With ‘Downton Arby’s’ - Great, now I want jalapeno poppers, a roast beef sandwich the size of my face and a Mountain Dew the size of the rest of my body. [The FW]

The 10 Best Shows in the Fox Network’s 25 Year History - I’m sure ‘Woops!’ is number 11 and Pajiba just made a mistake. [Pajiba]

Between the much-discussed premiere of “Girls” and an amazing episode of “Mad Men” (more on that later), not to mention the always excellent “Game of Thrones” and a notable gag on “The Simpsons,” last night was a busy night of television. Somewhat lost amid this embarrassment of riches was the fact that “Eastbound & Bound” aired its series finale. I won’t get into all the spoiler-y details, but I will say this: I am going to miss Kenny Powers. In three seasons and only 21 episodes — just over 10 hours of total screen time — he burrowed his way into my brain in a way few other television characters have. He burned fast and bright, then vanished, and we are all better for it. Leave ‘em wanting more, and all that.

As a tribute to the honorable Mr. F’n Powers, the heroes at Vulture put together a supercut of some of his greatest insults and put-downs from the show’s run. It’s as delightful as it is wildly unsafe for work, and serves as conclusive proof that the man could spin a phrase, if not a curveball. My personal favorites are the ones that begin with “I’ll be honest with you,” or “Let’s face it,” but you are certainly free to disagree with me on this, especially if your counterargument involves calling me a “strange Mexican Grimace” or just repeating the word butthole.

Anyway, if you’ve got two minutes and some headphones, I highly recommend this tribute. Vaya con dios, La Flama Blanca.

Did you guys watch last night’s season finale of Eastbound & Down? Well I didn’t — so NO SPOILERS PLEEZ!

Now, it probably goes without saying that I’m kinda geeked to fire up the ole HBOgo app on my iPad later to watch it. So geeked, in fact, that I’m wearing a Kenny Powers Myrtle Beach Mermen jersey as I’m writing this to prepare for the occasion. (No, seriously, I am actually wearing a KP55 Mermen jersey and you can get one for yourself here.)

Anyway, to mark the occasion, our friends at Vulture put together a rather spectacular 2-minute video of Kenny Powers insults — and really, has any television character dished out insults better than KP? I think not.

My favs: “You look like some sort of strange Mexican Grimace” and “Look at y’all jumping around like a bunch of goddamn child molesters at Chuck-E-Cheese.”

Enjoy…

(Via Vulture)

If Kenny Powers were going to sell a motorcycle on Craigslist, I’m pretty sure it would sound exactly like this one does. Hell, it was posted to the Los Angeles Craigslist board, so who knows — maybe it was written by someone who writes on the show.

Hey there junior badass, ever feel like there’s a caged animal trapped inside of you?

Only one cure for that: getting a fucking sick motorcycle. A 1971 Honda CB350. This golden lady will get you to work like a full-blown go hard, transport you and your shotgun through the zombie apocalypse, and give you a new platform for barreling down the boulevard with the wind tearing at your clothes screaming, “I AM ALIVE!” on the way to fucking bikram yoga.

Runs like corn through a goose. Engine rebuilt a year ago with ~400 miles on it since then.

I put new tires on the old girl, because you don’t deprive a classy lady of classy shoes. I gave her a new chain because she needed some fucking jewelry.

Electric start, kickstart, fucking push start, you name it.

Why am I selling it? Cos being alive rules, and I’m far too gnarly of a dude to have a motorcycle. I see a ramp, I’m gonna hit that motherfucker going 300 mph, backflip over the 405.

$2300 gets you the Golden Lady, two helmets, some fucking saddlebags, a shop manual, a quart of oil (plus all the oil that’s up in her right now), a full tank of PREMIUM MOTHERFUCKING GASOLINE (91 octaaaaaannneeee), some links to my favorite YouTube videos, a short story about robots, a cup of coffee with me, and whatever kind of donut you want.

I’m not in the market for a motorbike, but I’ll be damned if this Craigslist ad doesn’t make me want one now.

Thanks for the tip, Sean!

Now that we’ve got all that Canada pandering out of the way, it’s time to talk about what really matters: AMERICA. For this week, we celebrate our Independence Day. July 4th will be spent eating massive amounts of food, drinking ungodly gallons of beer from flag-wrapped beer bottles, blowing sh*t up in the sky, and bitching about the new Jay-Z album. It’s going to be great, but until then, I’d like to take a moment to recognize some TV show characters that embody everything occasionally evil, but most greatly about this country of ours. Haha, not Australia — that’s the GREATEST country — but America. It’s the dream we all share. It’s the hope for tomorrow. F*CK. YEAH.

1. Richard Harrow

The right to the world’s most convincing plastic surgery.

2. Stan Rizzo

The right to grow a magnif(*cking)icent beard.

3. Liz Lemon

The right to LOVE, the right to LIFE, the right to night cheese.

4. Lucille Bluth

The right to get drunk during the day. And afternoon. And late afternoon. And early evening.

5. Daryl Dixon

The right to name a baby after a physical threat.

6. Keith Charles and David Fisher

The right to BE WITH WHOEVER YOU WANT.

7. Tina Belcher

The right to philosophize (about sex toys).

(via Getty Image)

HBO confirmed last night that Lindsay Lohan will appear in the upcoming final season of Eastbound & Down as “the daughter of one of the show’s main characters” in “a wedding scene set many years in the future.” Seeing as the show really only has two main characters (Kenny and Stevie, maybe April if we’re stretching the definition of “main”), there wasn’t a whole lot of mystery packed in that confirmation to begin with, but just to be safe TMZ checked in with one of the drones — unmanned flying device or slurpee-brained human TMZ employee, your choice — they have circling Lohan at all times and got an answer.

SPOILER ALERT: sources close to production tell us, Lindsay signed on to play the adult version of Kenny’s illegitimate daughter on the HBO series finale … and she’s currently filming on set in North Carolina.

Kenny’s baby seemed destined to become Lindsay Lohan. If you recall, Kenny stashed his bong and all sorts of sex toys in the baby’s room at the end of last season.

Now, we should probably take this with a grain of salt, if only because the very next sentence after their big casting scoop is “Kenny’s baby seemed destined to become Lindsay Lohan,” even though said baby was a boy named Toby who Kenny referred to as his son repeatedly during the most recent season. So there’s that. But assuming Lohan’s character is a different illegitimate child Kenny had over the years, then, yeah, this is pretty perfect casting. The only problem is that now we all know and the potential fun of the “HAHAHA THAT’S LINDSAY LOHAN AS KENNY’S DAUGHTER HAHAHA” moment is a little diluted. I recognize my role in this situation, and I apologize.

Here is a teaser trailer for the final season of Eastbound & Down. It contains no footage — not a single frame — from any of the episodes, no audio, no real plot-related hints beyond the very straightforward “Kenny Powers will rise like a phoenix” message, and none of the show’s legendary strings of profanity. It’s just a voiceover, some fire, and Kenny Powers standing amongst the ashes in a smoldering suit. That’s it. And I am STILL eight or nine different kinds of giddy over here. This show has that kind of effect of me.

So, anyway, to recap, here are the things we know about the show’s final season: 1) It is happening, beginning September 29; 2) Lindsay Lohan will appear at some point; 3) Kenny’s son Toby will still be so adorable that everyone will just die (unless they pulled a Modern Family and switched kids between seasons, in which case I will be writing a very sternly worded letter to the party or parties responsible); 4) This phoenix thing; 5) Judging by the above screencap, Kenny is now La Flama Negra.

(Via Vulture)

I was about to run out the door to take my dog to the vet but then I saw these fresh new Eastbound and Down promo posters and, well, my dog can wait a few minutes. Besides, he’s a Kenny Powers fan too, so it’s all good.

Here are all three…

The show returns to HBO in a little over a month.

(Via IGN)

HBO has just released the first full-length, actual-footage-including, Kenny-Powers-funeral-interrupting trailer for the final season of Eastbound & Down, and, yup, okay, now I’m officially excited. Don’t get me wrong, the Phoenix Has Risen teaser from a few weeks ago was nice, and it certainly reminded me to circle September 29 on my calendar (or rather double circle), but there’s something about Kenny Powers wearing giant sunglasses and tearing ass down a water slide in a wet suit that really speaks to me. I’m not a complicated man.

Related: Once we have the capability to put GIFs on t-shirts, I will need the machine gun shimmy at the 0:39 mark in a large.

UPDATE: Now with said GIF.

The other day, my good friend (we’ll call him Ted Notarealperson) asked me, “Hey Burnsy, what’s with all the Eastbound & Down posts? Are you shilling for HBO or something?” And I said, “No” because I’m just a huge Eastbound & Down fan; however, I’d gladly shill for just about anybody if they asked (especially you, Taco Bell and/or Jeep). Tomorrow night at 10 PM ET, Kenny Powers will make his magnificent return for the fourth and final season of Eastbound & Down, and it will be awesome because this show is simply awesome.

But to make his return even more glorious than it already is, Kenny Powers (or Danny McBride to some sticklers) has recorded a series of messages to the fans of baseball’s biggest cities, each one more ridiculous and outstanding than the next. So I went ahead and gathered several (or 10) of my favorites and paired them with my equally favorite Kenny Powers fashion statements from the first three seasons.

While everyone was talking about the finale of that one show with the guy who did bad things but may have been a good guy at heart or whatever – like anyone even remembers that show anymore – a lot of us were also getting ready for the return of TV’s greatest, most foul-mouthed antihero, Kenny Powers. HBO’s hit comedy Eastbound & Down returned for its fourth (and probably final) season last night, and it’s safe to say that Kenny is a changed, broken man and a bitter, self-loathing hollow shell of his former self.

Picking up three years after he walked off the mound in his return to the big leagues and ultimately faked his death, Kenny is living the suburban life with his wife April and their two kids in a large home that they can barely afford on his salary as the assistant manager of a car rental company. But while Kenny has mostly changed to his family and friends, we get to see that he’s still the same maniacal party animal on the inside, and he’s just itching to break free.

Chapter 22 wasn’t the most hilarious episode of Eastbound & Down, nor was it very funny in general. In fact, it was sort of depressing until the very end, as Kenny realized that he wasn’t a star anymore and began feeling the urge to take back what he believes is his – fame, fortune and f*cking everything in between.

So What Happened After “Death”?

I’ll be honest, I was a little sour with the quick recap of the past few years between Kenny faking his own death and celebrating The Human Centipede with his daughter, because I would have liked to have seen some of those highlights played out. Hell, at least give us an episode of the funeral and/or several episodes in prison. I feel like we were robbed of this show’s best humor by not expanding on those plot points. (Especially the whole fraud angle, since faking your own death is sort of frowned upon in legal circles.)

Kenny Has Three Kids Now?

It’s safe to say that when Kenny greeted a mourning April to let her know that he had faked his own death so they could live the simple life together, they had unprotected sex and produced their young daughter. And I say three kids because we already know that Lindsay Lohan is showing up at some point this season as Kenny’s estranged daughter. How they’ll explain that Kenny has a 27-year old daughter who looks 45 is beyond me. But I already feel bad for Toby with the way Kenny talks about him. I would have made Toby a little faux-hawked douche toddler or at least given him the same hair as his father. Toby should be kicking ass at school and wreaking havoc on his teachers, not struggling to eat his carrots.

Mark Is The Absolute Worst

If the end of Chapter 22 marks the last that we’ll ever see of Mark the car rental company manager, then this season is already a success. This show’s writers have the amazing ability of developing some awesome and horrible characters all at the same time. There have been plenty of both, but in the annals of purely awful, “I want to crack this guy’s nose with a rubber mallet” characters, Mark may take the cake. That’s why this ending was so damned satisfying.

(Image via, GIFs via)