The most important moment of Episode 22 that i forgot.

Love them or hate them, Eastbound & Down’s characters are almost always so magnificently written that it’s hard not to think of them as the best of their kinds. But then, that’s a pretty easy accomplishment seeing as they’re almost all one-of-a-kind compared to some of the lamer, cookie cutter characters on today’s half hour comedies. And with just eight episodes in this fourth and presumably final season, there’s no time to dick around with storylines and plot development like a certain HBO show about vampires did so much this season.

But last night’s episode of Eastbound & Down (“Chapter 23”) was anything but pointless or dragged out, as we watched Kenny Powers finally rise from the ashes while Stevie continued to be the most damaged and pathetic character on TV today. In fact, let’s dive right into Chapter 23 by talking about just how terribly pathetic Stevie has become.

If you asked me to list the one million strongest male characters in TV history, you wouldn’t find Stevie Janowski anywhere on that list. If you asked me to list the 10 characters that are so horribly painful to watch and respect as human beings, however, I would probably write Stevie Janowski’s name 10 times and call it a day. But every time that I think that we’ve seen the lowest of Stevie, he’s being called a “dick licker” and “pussy” by his children in a supermarket, only before he hits that rock bottom moment that most college students know too well…

I don’t ever wish death on a human – okay, there are some exceptions in rare moments of unbridled hatred – but because Stevie is a fictional character, I feel fine saying that I wish death on him. He’s a worthless used Band-Aid stuck to the bottom of a homeless man’s ill-fitting Crocs. Yet he’s so incredibly necessary to the existence of Kenny Powers, because without him, as Kenny’s one true best friend, Kenny wouldn’t have ever had the balls to snap out of his funk and take the fame that is rightfully his.

Of course, that fame is now a spot on Guy Young’s “Sports Sesh,” which is a far-too-accurate send up of today’s mindless ranting sports talk shows that have become more important to the landscape of athletics than the actual people playing the games. Guy, as we learned in “Chapter 22,” is Kenny’s former teammate and friend willing to help the former car rental company employee find his way back into the celebrity light, as he’ll to have him on an episode of Sesh as a co-host.

That is, if Kenny can stand up to Dontel Benjamin, a former athlete with a louder mouth than anyone else on Sesh and the only opinion that ultimately matters. Like the fake show, Dontel isn’t too far off from reality. Regardless, Kenny’s initial go on Sesh is a complete failure, as he freezes on camera, gets caught up in a racially-charged moment and finds his hilarious wardrobe the butt of every co-hosts joke.

Before he even has the chance to make an ass of himself, Kenny is warned by Guy that we don’t become celebrities overnight, and that’s proven emphatically when he fails. Fortunately, Guy offers Kenny another shot, and we all know that this can only happen if Kenny has the support of the two most important people in his life. First up, he needs Stevie, because only with Stevie’s completely pathetic existence can Kenny start to feel better about his own pathetic life.

Stevie’s not in, though, and that leaves Kenny on his own. Especially since the other person he needs is April, and she’s not excited at all about the prospect of losing her husband to a life of fame again. Also, this scene has been done to death over the years, but I will never not find it amusing:

Eventually – probably because we only have 30 minutes – Stevie comes around and begs for Kenny’s forgiveness and acceptance. That’s one part of the equation, while April is still the other. Without April, Kenny just has flash and pomp, but he lacks confidence. It’s in that detail that we’ve always seen just how important Kenny and April are to each other, as they’re easily one of the best TV couples in the history of the medium. I will argue this til my death by using knuckles and hard slaps. Like a man, damn it.

I’m gonna be real for a second – April doesn’t get the credit that she deserves for being the most powerful character on this show. She is the driving force behind Kenny Powers and the difference between an empty, unemployed stoner digging a hole in their backyard and a confident, ass-kicking purveyor of hot, nasty truth.

So once Kenny has completed the first step in his tangential road to redemption on Sports Sesh – getting himself a killer suit and an $80,000 green Viper…

… All he needs is the approval of his woman, so we can watch him thrash Dontel. To be completely honest, the majority of this episode, just like Chapter 22, was depressing. It’s hard to watch two guys at their lowest try to work together to climb back above it all, because there are so many cringe-inducing, “Oh man, I can’t watch” moments, but again, that’s why we need April. She the glue and fuel, the most important character on the show and Kenny Mother F*cking Powers’ muse. Without her, he’d never have the balls to not only call Dontel a Milk Dud, but then knock him to the ground.

And that’s where we stand after two episodes – Guy told Kenny that nobody can capture fame in one shot, and Kenny proved him wrong. Next up? Kenny’s going to go way overboard with his newfound success the way that only Kenny can. It should be absurdly offensive and hilarious.

(Caps and GIFs via here, here, here, here, here and here.)

There’s a higher power watching out for Kenny Powers. At least that’s the main point that I’ve taken away from the third episode (“Chapter 24”) of the fourth and (presumably) final season of HBO’s Eastbound & Down. Because as he’s in bed with his hammered, passed out wife, contemplating the ultimate Kenny Powers question, he asks God for some advice, and yet somehow… Kenny ends up in the clear. I guess we could say that he made the right decision by default, all while making possibly the worst decision of his life.

This is where we stand with Kenny Powers now, though. He has regained his fame and fortune (at least he thinks he has) and now he just has to take care of the hard part – keeping it. Obviously, it’s not going to be easy, as Chapter 24 showed us just how quickly the fortune might go away.

Just When We Think That Stevie Can’t Get Any Lower

With Kenny back at what he believes is the top of his game, Stevie thinks that he’s heading back to the top as well. But because Stevie lives his life underneath a mile of dog sh*t, his top is still worse than any regular man’s bottom of the barrel. Chapter 24 picks up right where 23 left off, with Kenny, April and Stevie leaving the studio after Kenny’s incredible takedown of Dontel, and Stevie’s higher on life than 1,000 junkies shooting up that new bathtub heroin that devours your skin.

There are two people, though, who can ruin Kenny’s new success: 1) Kenny himself and 2) Stevie. Because the latter is always the best at the quick buzzkill, he handles that this time by not only asking “the Lady Powers” about her lady parts, but by also punching out a random car window. After each episode, I ask if Stevie can get any lower, and after each episode I answer my own question with, “Holy sh*t he’s a horrible human being.”

At some point, Steve Little should win something for how incredibly he portrays this pathetic character.

(Caps via)

There’s That Screenplay Again

We’re three episodes into an eight-episode season – again, I won’t believe that it’s over until it’s actually over – and Kenny has mentioned his screenplay three times. I’m hoping that we get two episodes devoted to that screenplay, whether that means we see him out in Los Angeles trying to actually sell it, or the sale process goes quick and we jump right into the casting and/or production. Like I said last week, you could have given me an entire season of just this movie being made, but I like where we’re going so far.

That said, does anyone else get the feeling that Guy Young is stealing the movie? Because that’s how I feel. Damn you, Ken Marino. Don’t make us hate you.

Kenny’s Blowing Money Like Yadda Yadda Cocaine Or Dick Joke

If HBO decides to order a fifth season of Eastbound, I would watch eight episodes about Kenny and the dancing robot. Especially if he adds a robot butler that brings him cocaine and booze the whole time.

Who Doesn’t Love A Free Trip To The Water Park?

I don’t, actually, because water parks turn me into Puddy when he learns that Kramer made their salad in the shower as he bathed. Ugh, just thinking about a water park gives me pink eye. But when Kenny openly plans to pee in the lazy river, I guess it’s the perfect place for him. He’s still having a hard time getting his brother’s family to accept him back into their lives, but that’ll happen when you kick the door open with pantyhose over your face while screaming, “HOME INVASION!” instead of simply knocking on the door and saying, “Hello, brother.”

Just When We Think That Stevie Can’t Get Any Lower

Jesus, Stevie. You are the most pathetic character in the history of TV. Period. I can’t think of anyone worse.

(Caps via)

Party April Is Our Favorite April

The interesting thing about Kenny’s re-rise to fame and fortune is that April’s susceptible to the same demons, and that means we get sexy, trashy April funneling beers with the poolside bros before Kenny eventually has to put her drunk ass in bed. Even when she’s a drunken mess, April is the best.

When April’s Asleep, Kenny Will Do A Ton Of Drugs

It can’t bode well for Kenny that he took Gene and the “Taliban cleric” on his little drug adventure with the unholy white trash family, as I’m sure that Gene and his freshly-punched face are going to rat him out at some point. I mean, I hope he doesn’t, because THAT WOULDN’T BE COOL, GENE. But April has to find out that Kenny’s being a dirtbag, because otherwise there’s no real drama other than the incredibly uneasy feeling that Kenny’s about to crash harder than he’s ever crashed before, and he’s taking his entire family down with him.

Of course, the drug rampage led to the foreshadowed moment of infidelity, as Kenny’s starting to realize that other thing that he’s missing out – the company of many, many ladies whenever and wherever he pleases. Like I said, I think Kenny has a guardian angel helping him out on this quest to rise back to the top, but how many sub-chances will he continue to get within this overall third chance? Hopefully enough to make it entertaining.

A Quick Word About Tim Heidecker As Gene

Tim Heidecker is at his best when he’s playing his most ridiculous characters; however, I think that plain, boring Gene might actually be his most ridiculous character. He’s just a snobby, stuck up, vanilla ice cream asshole whose best stories involve him not remembering that his computer password is “Wake Fore$t.” Gene may come in small, quick doses, but his presence does wonders for building Kenny Powers back into the ultimate scumbag a-hole winner.

On Next Week’s Episode: Guy invites Kenny to go on the road with him. At some point, I’m hoping they explain how much money Kenny is being paid, because they haven’t mentioned that (unless I completely missed it) and I’m waiting for Guy to tell him he’s not making anything. Something terrible is happening eventually, it’s just a matter of how soon.

Eastbound & Down star — and person you can’t look at without cracking up — Danny McBride sat on Jimmy Kimmel’s couch last night and regaled the host with some outstanding tales from the set of his hit show. The tidbits about guest stars Lindsay Lohan, Marilyn Manson, and Matthew McConaughey are entertaining, but the real gift is a breakdown of the one scene that was actually too depraved for Steve Little (who plays the otherwise shameless Stevie Janowski) to go through with.

McBride kicked off the festivities with a story about injuring himself rollerskating on set (he brought video evidence) and how he milked the mishap to freak out crew members.

Next it was on to explaining Marilyn Manson’s guest spot on Eastbound & Down, and the bizarre circumstances that unfolded in his hotel room after filming.

After a sneak peek at an upcoming episode, things really ramp up when Steve Little joins McBride and Kimmel. Little explains the one scene in the show’s history he refused to shoot — oh, it’s a doozy — before moving on to his fantastically futile attempt to impress Lindsay Lohan.

Little brings it home with his tale of soliciting Matthew McConaughey for tips on bedding the ladies.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There are times that I’ve been watching the first four episodes of this fourth season of Eastbound & Down and I’ve found myself thinking, “Maybe they should have called it quits with the faked death.” But that’s not because I’m not enjoying it and laughing hysterically at the horribly offensive comedy like I had through the first four seasons. It’s more because I just don’t have the first clue where Danny McBride and Co. are taking this crazy train known as Kenny Powers as the presumed finale approaches.

Speculation be damned for now, though, because this is about Chapter 25, the fourth episode of this fourth season, and the resurgence of Kenny and Stevie Janowski in their respective quests to regain fame and fortune and make the dick work again. Well folks, we’ve got great news on both fronts this week.

First and Foremost, About Chapter 24…

One of the reasons that I’m reluctant to do these episode recaps is that my brain gets all jumbled with inconsequential and silly thoughts, and I forget all about some of the best aspects. For example, the pet wolf that Kenny gifted to Toby last week. I seriously hope this thing doesn’t maim the poor kid at some point this season, but if the closing scene of Chapter 25 suggested anything, it’s that Toby may have his very own badass sidekick by the time this thing’s over.

And if I’m an odds maker? I’m laying 2:1 odds that the wolf ends up saving Kenny’s life in a hilarious manner.

It’s the Subtle Things that Get Me

Twenty years down the road, someone may ask me, “Hey Burnsy, what did you love the most about Eastbound & Down?” and my first three answers will be April, because I love her and she’s my favorite semi-white trash WAG on TV and/or in reality. But my fourth response will be, “The subtle things,” because this show’s writers kill me at least once per episode with the most under-the-radar lines. This week’s was, “I need to check my Palm Pilot.” Kenny’s technological cluelessness is hilarious, and I say that as a person who still used WinAmp years after iTunes hit the scene.

Okay, the Bigger Lines Get Me, Too

This week’s closing line was awesome, especially laid over Toby overcoming his fear of feeding the deadly killing machine that was destroying his family’s garage and starving for animal blood.

“Mortals falter. Kings act. And the mortal who acts, well, that motherfucker becomes king.”

Again, I think that the wolf will play a hilarious role in the series finale or at some point before it, but trying to predict the plot of a comedy, especially one as wicked and sick as Eastbound, is asinine and futile. I can only hope that the wolf ends up tearing Guy Young’s throat out, or something to that effect.

The Big, Ol’ Wake Forest Loving Elephant in the Room

Obviously, Kenny was going to have to come to terms with the fact that Tel and Gene were eventually going to rat him out to their wives for doing a balloon’s worth of drugs with the creepy as hell family from the water park resort. For Gene, it came right away, because Dixie saw the bruise that Kenny left Gene with after their one-sided throwdown in the hallway. While we knew that was the catalyst for Dixie not inviting Kenny and April over for spaghetti night, April didn’t and that aura of “Oh fuck” was left lingering for the first half of the episode. Especially when Kenny visited Gene and Tel at the golf course.

I touched on it last week, but Chapter 25 was so much bigger for both Gene and Dixie, so I want to reiterate that Tim Heidecker and friend of UPROXX Jillian Bell have been phenomenal this season with their stereotypical, miserable and all-around horrible suburbanite married couple.

(Caps via)

That Leads Us To…

Kenny flipping the script on Gene and Dixie was hilariously evil. Two-parts evil and two-parts awkward as hell, watching Gene pack up the U-Haul at the end was such a wonderful moment, not because I want to ever see an innocent couple be torn to shreds over some a-hole sociopath’s lies, but because I want to see this innocent couple destroyed, because holy God they are just so damn unbearable. It’s truly remarkable the power of this mulleted antihero, that he can make me wish terrible things on good people.

(GIFs via)

The Fame and the Fortune are Beginning to Reveal the Ugliness

It’s inevitable, right? Like, we all see the horrible downfall coming again, don’t we? It’s just a matter of how it happens, who causes it and how Kenny reacts. Because that’s pretty much the basis of this entire show. But it begins with the pool builders, the racist mockery and the awarding of April’s great-grandmother’s priceless jewelry for digging the fastest. But like the Palm Pilot joke, Kenny’s reverse charm shines through with his use of a disposable camera. From the hideous green Viper to every piece of clothing this man owns, Kenny Powers is stuck in a different generation. And I’m not even sure which generation that is.

So About Guy Young and the Looming Meltdown

With Dontell’s visit and the ominous words of the other co-hosts of Sports Sesh, it’s clear that he who giveth (Guy Young) will also be he who taketh away. Perhaps the silver lining of this impending downward spiral back to the barrel’s bottom is that Kenny and Stevie have taken on the task of teaching the urban kids how to play baseball. Honestly, just like the whole screenplay angle that’s being ignored, I’d kill to see an entire season or at least a few episodes of Kenny teaching the kids how to play baseball. Imagine that entire introduction speech stretched out over three or four episodes… I’d suffocate from laughing so hard.

(GIF via)

And now my two favorite parts of Chapter 25 will be on the following page, because they involve some male nudity – dudity, if you will – so cover the kids’ eyes if you’re a good parent.

A lot of times when talking about shows like Breaking Bad or Dexter or Eastbound & Down, we really need to remind ourselves that the lead characters that we’ve grown to love for what they are really don’t deserve our love. They’re horrible, awful characters that deserve the most rotten of endings, but we find them endearing and we attach ourselves to them on an emotional level because they’re flawed like us. Except, these flaws aren’t like ours at all, unless you are actually meth kingpins, serial killers or washed up, racist, sexist, homophobic, sociopathic baseball pitchers. In which case, we’re glad to have you as part of the UPROXX family.

Chapter 26 of Eastbound & Down was my reminder that Kenny Powers is a horrible person who doesn’t deserve an ounce of compassion for anything that he does. I downright loathed him in this episode, as I imagine that was the point.

Nobody Gives A Crap About Your Pool, Kenny

If anything, Kenny’s little rant about how awesome he is for building a pool is a reminder that he broke up a perfectly good marriage between Gene and Daisy. Granted, they’re two of the most vanilla people on this planet and that made them borderline unbearable (except for the fact that they’re played by Tim Heidecker and Jillian Bell, whom we love), but Kenny ruined their marriage with an awful lie. But add to the fact that he mocked his wife and brother in front of all of their friends, and Kenny’s taking the shitheadedness to a whole new level through this fifth episode.

Honestly, I wanted someone to piss in his pool.

But It Doesn’t End There With April

So how do you make it up to your wife after you tell everyone she loves that her success made you miserable? Treat her like a whore by throwing money at her. Yes, I giggled when Kenny invoked the spirit of Rick Ross, but come on. April deserves a little better here. There are three episodes left in this season (and presumably series) and I really want her to lay down the thunder and give me a little power a la Tara Teller from Sons of Anarchy (another show full of characters that we should cheer as they each meet their demise).

Oh What I Wanted To See That Assault Rifle Do

If there’s a character on this season of Eastbound & Down for us to respect and admire, it’s Kenny’s poor brother. Of all of the awkward, eye-covering scenes that this show has given us through 26 episodes, Kenny trying to buy his brother’s love back might have been the hardest to watch. I loved that he cracked long enough to admit that he has problems with apologies and doing what’s right – in fact, loved seeing the armor shatter for a moment – but then he went right back to shitting on his own blood as soon as Guy Young texted him.

I’m not a violent man, but I wouldn’t have minded if Dustin took a quit swing at Kenny’s throat with the butt of that rifle. Seriously, my blood was boiling through that scene.

We All See The Two Trains About To Collide

As I’ve written several times throughout this season, it’s almost impossible to predict the writing on a good comedy show. I could be in a coma for two decades, suddenly snap out of it and probably predict what’s going to happen on a Chuck Lorre sitcom, but Eastdown? It’s not even worth it to try. That said, I honestly thought that the two rams, Kenny and Guy Young, would lock horns much sooner and Kenny’s demise would be more focused on how his antics were affecting his personal relationships and/or finances.

But here we are, with Kenny and Guy still tap dancing around their alpha male conflict. It’s remarkable, too, that Guy is also such a worthless schmuck, but his entire childish rant at Kenny was right. Guy has earned his open water jet pack. Kenny has not. But Kenny will never, ever recognize that.

I loved watching Guy Young talk about the jet pack, though.

Nobody’s Getting Through To This Guy

While it wasn’t as awkward as the scene with Dustin, Kenny’s “date night” with April was equally awful. Granted, it’s important to point out that this isn’t my indictment of the show and this season. I still love everything that’s happening, despite the fact that I want to see very bad things happen to Kenny. If anything, the writers are doing an incredible job of reminding us that we’re supposed to loathe Kenny Powers because of the way he keeps throwing money at people as if it’s a Band-Aid.

The moral of the story is clearly that Kenny cannot buy the people that matter most, but he’d still rather ignore that and get coked up at the opera. Leave him and come live with me, April.

I wouldn’t have minded if one of the old people next to Kenny tried to slap him. He deserved it.

Stevie’s Gone From Suck To Blow

First thing’s first – look at this mother*cker. LOOK AT HIM. If I had to name an MVP of this season of Eastbound thus far, it’s Stevie Janowski hands down. Steve Little has been incredible in bringing this character from the bowels of hell to another area of hell that’s equally as bad, but totally misguided and depraved.

Kenny’s grand new plan is that he wants to open his own chain of restaurants, and like the screenplay, I could have watched a whole season of Kenny and Stevie trying to bring a breastaurant to life. But if he’s trying to get me excited about chicken wings and meals with “bacon tits” on them, I’m gonna need to see less of Stevie checking his wife’s oil. Again, that’s my MVP, but fingering the 2-hole? Cut it out, bro.

I want this restaurant to be real, if only so I can eat there before Hulk Hogan’s stupid place.

Guy’s Demand Is Clearly Taking Its Toll On Kenny

This was my favorite, most random scene of this episode. I wish that, had Kenny been written as a better character (one that we should actually love), we could see him go off on adventures with his robot friend. Yet here I am, wishing that he’d accidentally take it into the new pool with him.

(Caps via)

Kenny Was Never Meant To Be A Scottie Pippen

STEVIE IS RIGHT, KENNY! LISTEN TO STEVIE AND WE CAN ALL HAVE A HAPPY ENDING!!! If Kenny would just take a few steps back and earn his place by Guy’s side, he could have everything that he’s ever wanted for as long as the American public is willing to listen to a bunch of arrogant former jocks talk about their stupid opinions on sports. (On the reals, I hope the American public is getting tired of that right now. If this season has been anything, it has been a remarkable example of how awful sports talks TV truly is.)

(Caps via)

He Just Won’t Learn

We can scream at our TVs all we want, but Kenny won’t listen to anyone but himself. That’s gonna cost him the show, and probably April.

Three episodes to go.

On The Next Eastbound & Down: April’s approaching her tipping point, as is Guy. Kenny’s heading back to rock bottom, but Stevie’s the only person he’s taking with him. Also, we better see some more of that wolf and less butt crack fingering.

With three episodes left in the fourth and (presumably) final season of HBO’s Eastbound & Down, there are a lot of questions left to be answered. So many, in fact, that I was starting to get pretty irritated by the lack of actual conflict between Kenny Powers and Guy Young, but then this week’s episode, Chapter 27, came along and was by far the best of this season, in this humble blogger and handsome gentleman’s opinion.

Not only did we finally get Marilyn Manson’s long-awaited and very curious cameo, but we also finally witnessed the culmination and conclusion of the showdown between two arrogant and childish pricks, and I have to admit – KP fooled me with his nasty curveball. Let’s recap and ponder, shall we?

Holy Crap, Look At Marilyn Manson, You Guys

We all knew for a while that Marilyn Manson was going to be making an appearance on an episode of Eastbound this season, but we didn’t really know why, other than he’s a huge fan of the show. You know who else is a huge fan of the show? Me. But I’m not on the show. I guess I should have taken my high school goth band a little more seriously.

Anyway, on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being “Worthless” and 10 being “Crucial,” Manson was a whopping 1 as far as his character’s necessity. However, his presence was still great and his personal transformation should win an Emmy for makeup or costume design if those exist. Otherwise, it really makes me wonder what Lindsay Lohan is going to look like. I really hope it’s pre-strung out Mean Girls Lindsay Lohan.

Just kidding, this isn’t Rick Baker makeup work that we’re talking about.

(GIFs via here and here)

Guy Young Is An Evil, Evil Bastard

Okay, so after last week’s episode, Chapter 26, I didn’t think that we could have a bigger piece of sh*t villain in this season than Kenny himself, as he was sacrificing everything that he had to become famous again, all while throwing money around like that’s what truly matters in personal relationships. But HOLY SH*T Guy Young was an absolute monster in the opening scene of Chapter 27. You kind of knew what was coming with the lowly, old janitor being called in for his honest opinion, but Guy screaming at him and telling him there’d be no Christmas was downright psychotic.

When all is said and done, Ken Marino deserves Emmy consideration for this season. He won’t get it, obviously, because shows like Eastbound & Down aren’t ever taken seriously because of their vulgar nature, but Ken should know he deserves it.

Meanwhile, Stevie’s Back To Screwing Everything Up

There was nothing about this entire Taters N’ Tits scene that wasn’t cringe-inducing. Maria’s new breasts were borderline terrifying, but once Stevie started sucking on her nipple in the middle of the mall, I honestly felt ill. Again, there will never be enough credit given to Steve Little for how warped and depraved of a character he has given us, but what Stevie is pulling off this season is disgustingly magnififcent.

Also, while Stevie probably wants to go with the John Kerry, we’d all be lucky to have a chin like Aaron Eckhart’s. You can set your watch to that incredible butt chin.

(Cap via)

At This Point, Kenny Doesn’t Deserve His Marriage

A true sign of remarkable TV writing and storytelling is how well the characters can trick you into emotional investment. I don’t give two shakes of Maria’s giant breasts about Gene and Daisy as characters, because they’re possibly the most boring people on the face of the planet (which, again, is a massive compliment paid to Tim Heidecker and Jillian Bell). But with what Kenny has done to their marriage, not only do I silently cheer for Jillian to tell Kenny to go f*ck himself as he demands that she help him with his problems with April, but I also want him to come clean for once about how Gene didn’t do anything wrong.

As he finally did that in this episode, I realized that I don’t want April to stay with him. Is it because I have a pathetic crush on a TV character? Probably. Am I ashamed to admit that? Strangely not.

Kenny’s Advice For Tobey Is Very Important

This scene killed me. This is so brilliantly written and executed that I can’t even pile on with my gushing appreciation for it.

The Showdown On The Lake Was Perfect

Perhaps I’m being overly positive about Chapter 27 because I haven’t enjoyed this season as much as I’d hoped from a season that should have probably never existed, but if I decided to burden myself with a Top 5 list of the best scenes from the entire series, this would definitely be included. The fact that these two assholes are ultimately fighting over their childish pride and despicable arrogance could not have been displayed better than by Kenny and Guy shouting at each other over the sound of their open water jetpacks that were the original source of dissent between these two “friends.”

By the way, if this season has done anything well, it really is capturing the douchebaggery of these jetpacks. Should I ever find myself in the position where I have the disposable income to afford one of these stupid devices and I’m handing over my debit card to complete the purchase, I pray my pet wolf attacks me.

The Hit Gone Wrong

My only real complaint about this episode was how anticlimactic Guy’s response to the hit gone wrong was. Sure, Kenny had already humiliated himself in front of the Sports Sesh audience by complaining about the new female “wild card” while he was peeing, in a scene right out of 30 Rock, but when Stevie picks the wrong Baby Huey to mess with Guy, there should have been a more serious blowback than what actually happened. It felt like a big step was missed, and it would have made Kenny’s burden so much greater with April finally deciding to leave him after his horrible meltdown at the party that he threw for her.

Instead, Kenny Actually Comes Out On Top

It’s pretty obvious from the preview for Chapter 28, which is the second to last episode of the fourth season, that when Kenny takes over Sports Sesh for the now humiliated and outcast Guy Young, things aren’t going to work. But the switcheroo that Kenny pulled on Guy had me momentarily cheering for the antihero again, before I had to remind myself one more time of my mantra for this season: “Kenny Powers is a horrible man. He is not the character that we want to succeed. He must pay for his terrible behavior.”

I predict that we get a very warped Christmas realization out of Kenny by the end of Chapter 29, but only after we see him at his absolute worst in Chapter 28. And yet I’m sure that I’m wrong.

One down and one to go. Well, one main character down and one episode to go, that is, as Chapter 28 of Eastbound & Down marked the beginning of the (presumably) very end for Kenny Powers, and our loved and hated antihero went down in a bright, fiery ball of Christmas flames this week. I had this concern that Eastbound & Down might invoke the tired, old TV trope of A Christmas Story, and we’d see KP visited by three “ghosts” that would help him realize that fame and wealth weren’t the things that mattered most in life. Obviously, that didn’t happen, but I almost tried to get all metaphorical on your asses and explain how it actually did happen, and fortunately I realized that would take way too long.

You’re welcome.

In the meantime, Kenny and Stevie busted their asses to get back to the top in this fourth and final season of Eastbound & Down, and last night in Chapter 28, they took the service elevator straight to rock bottom once more. And every second of it was glorious.

Good Lord, Stevie Is A Ghoulish Man

We can’t really step too far into this pool of despair without first mentioning the butt chin in the room. All season long, I didn’t think Stevie Janowski could get any worse as a character, between his puny, broken dick and his horrible fashion renaissance, but all it took was one $50,000 chin to prove that theory wrong. What I found funniest about Stevie’s role in Chapter 28 wasn’t that he blew all of his money on a new chin or Maria’s cartoonishly large fake breasts, but how it affected his kids.

In a show that is just constantly overflowing with characters that we hope are swallowed into the lowest, darkest, hottest depths of Hades, I’ve always loved that they’ve managed to stick Stevie with the worst kids imaginable. At least, in this episode, when Stevie weeps that he can’t afford presents for his kids, my only thought was, “Good, f*ck those kids.”

Kenny Didn’t Even Get A Sports Sesh Honeymoon

While I had hoped after the first episode of the season that we would have had a season that dealt with Kenny making a movie about his life, the Sports Sesh plot turned out to be pretty great, thanks mostly to the wonderful performance of Ken Marino as Guy Young. He truly played one of the finer spoiled assholes in this series’ great history of characters we loathe. Additionally, Sports Sesh allowed us to watch Kenny parody the asinine industry of sports debate shows, and E&D did a great job telling what we already know – that those shows suck.

Unfortunately, with Kenny pulling off the stunning coup d’état on last week’s episode, we didn’t really get to see a transition or figurative changing of the guard. Instead, we just jumped head first into the cess pool that is Kenny’s insane arrogance and lack of leadership, and clearly that just made the most sense. In fact, just writing that, I completely understand that there was no way they could have done it any differently. As always, the writing on this show manages to not only capture the ultimate essence of the lowest human beings ever created, but also while making perfect sense.

RIP Taters N Tits

We hardly knew ye and your horrible food idea combined with awkwardly large breasts. If ever a restaurant chain should rise from the ashes of a TV show… it should not be this. Seriously, Darden and all you other chain restaurant parent companies out there, don’t even think about it.

April Is A Saint

I don’t think we can ever truly celebrate how well Katie Mixon has played April in this final season, because she’s been surrounded by horrifying lunacy. But April has been the weak, evaporating glue of normalcy that is the only thing that keeps Kenny from falling into the abyss. Granted, Kenny opens Chapter 28 doing blow in front of everyone, nailing a hooker up against the window in his presidential hotel suite (the subtle line about downtown Charlotte was fantastic) and being wheeled into his divorce hearing dressed like Michael Jackson if he’d been raised in the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, so normalcy shmormalcy.

And throughout this entire episode, both April and Kenny’s brother manage to keep their cool and wait for him to come back to them in a sort of disturbingly and hauntingly sweet Christmas story. How do you go from Kenny Powers hanging from a wire in his studio, screaming about being a god and eventually almost killing people with an epic anti-Christmas hissy fit to the sweetest possible heart-to-heart between Kenny and his brother that none of us ever expected would happen?

That’s the kind of magic you only get from Eastbound & Down.

All Of The Emmys For Steve Little

I have said it after pretty much every episode this season, but Steve Little’s performance as Stevie hit an incredible new high (or low, technically) with him being holed up in a hotel room with a gun to his freakish cosmetic chin. That scene should have been awkward and hard to watch, but between Kenny peeking through his fingers as Stevie threatens to blow his head off and Maria’s hilariously GIANT breasts, it somehow became the best scene of the season.

Stevie laying on the floor, crying and screaming as his wife and her absurdly, insanely large breasts try to reapply his fake chin is somehow an almost perfect scene to close out this series. But we’ve still got one more to go.

On Next Week’s Final Episode: Lindsay Lohan shows up as Kenny’s long lost daughter and we say goodbye to HBO’s mulleted antihero. At least I think we do.

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By the time that the new issue of Rolling Stone hits newsstands (if those still exist) on Nov. 21, HBO will have closed the curtain on its hilariously obscene and disturbing comedy, Eastbound & Down. But that didn’t stop obscene and disturbing pop star Ke$ha from writing a short piece for Rolling Stone about her love for Eastbound & Down, and the girl who became famous by sort of being friends with Paris Hilton actually tugs on the heartstrings a little with her kind words of appreciation for Kenny Powers.

Ke$ha, like E&D’s antihero, is no stranger to controversy, as she has drank her own urine on her reality show and claimed that she writes songs with her vagina and her mom. Hey, Elton John has Bernie Taupin and Ke$ha has her hoo ha. To each her own. But it’s because of that quirky behavior that Ke$ha claims she understands Kenny Powers so well.

There’s this one episode of Eastbound & Down where he comes running onto a baseball field in Mexico with an American flag tied around his neck, jerking off to the crowd with fireworks going off. It reminded me so much of myself that it scared me. And made me proud, at the same time.

When my music first came out, my sense of humor was kind of lost in translation. I was like, “Man, they don’t know I’m in on the joke!” But then I saw Eastbound & Down, and I knew Kenny Powers would totally get me. We’re both oblivious, missing social cues about what’s appropriate. We both have a really dark and obscene sense of humor, which my publicists tell me I have to tone down. But Kenny doesn’t tone it down. He owns that shit. I am proud to be his female embodiment. (Via Rolling Stone)

Except I’d argue that Kenny Powers isn’t oblivious, and he’s actually quite aware of how absurd his antics are. That’s why he’s so desperate for wealth, because he wants to buy acceptance instead of earning it. But I’ll save that kind of brilliant insight and analysis for my award-winning Eastbound & Down episode recaps. In the meantime, Ke$ha is going to have to stick to appreciating Kenny Powers just like us – in reruns and the greatest GIFs ever made.

(Original banner via Getty)

Danny McBride was in Austin, Texas this week, not for SXSW (though I imagine there are at least seven indie-pop bands named after Kenny Powers quotes), but to attend the Texas Film Awards, where he, along with Luke Wilson and Priscilla Presley, gave accolades to the likes of Robert Rodriguez and Amber Heard. But that’s not what I wanted to ask him about. Like any good American on the Internet, all I can think about True Detective, so I was curious for McBride’s thoughts on #TrueDetectiveSeason2, and who both he and K.P. would want as the next Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey (note: he did not say Kenny Powers and Stevie Janowski). So I asked him about it last night during a red carpet event at Austin Studios.

Who would you want to see in season two of True Detective?

Well, I already know who it’s going to be. I got the inside scoop at HBO. *laughs*

Can we get a hint?

Nope. *laughs like Satan himself*

OK, well, then who do you think Kenny Powers would want?

Nell Carter and Sherman Hemsley, that’s who he’d want to see. You’d watch that, right? All CG.

Robert Rodriguez is being honored tonight. Describe your perfect exploitation movie.

It’d involve naked girls and murder, probably. And maybe we’ll throw a PI in there, too.

Photo by Nadia Chaudhury

I need to get something off my chest – I’ve watched the first two episodes of the fourth season of Eastbound & Down already. I normally don’t like bragging about the power that I wield as an Internet blogger, because I don’t ever actually get any perks and this screener was among the few. But I feel kind of bad about it because I love this show so much that I wanted to stay true to it and watch each of the eight episodes of this final season as they air on Sundays at 10 PM ET on HBO, starting this Sunday, September 29.

Okay, I need to get something else off my chest – I don’t feel bad about having watched the first two episodes at all. In fact, the only thing that sucks about it is that I don’t have anyone to talk to about them, and I’m too nice of a person to actually spoil for all of you how this new season picks up from the last. I’ll just say that it involves magic and a talking iguana. Or not. Only I know for sure.

What we all know, though, is that this show has delivered us so many amazing lines and hilarious moments that it’s impossible to remember them all without going back and re-watching the entire series for a fourth time. So here’s a collection of 25 of my most favorite Eastbound & Down GIFs from the first three seasons (in no specific order), and I encourage you all to add any that I forgot below.

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Okay, and one from the 4th season. But Danger and I agree it’s the best.

HBO’s hit comedy Eastbound & Down returns this Sunday, September 29 at 10 PM ET in case I haven’t mentioned it each night this week, and I spent a little time today traveling back in time on some websites and the Twitters and Tumblrs to see what people think about the existence of this fourth season. After all, we were all under the impression that the third season was it, and that Kenny Powers had faked his own death so he could live a quiet life with April and Toby. And a surprising number of people were pretty upset that Danny McBride and Co. would roll the dice and push their luck with another season of Eastbound & Down.

My response to any concerns or complaints that fans of the show may have about this fourth season is simple – we get more Kenny Powers. Does it really matter if the series ends with KP faking his own death or riding his jet ski off into the sunset? (I don’t know if that’s the actual ending, but that’s how I picture it.) No, because we still have eight more episodes of one of TV’s all-time most hilarious characters left, when just a few months ago we thought we had none.

Just how much do people love Kenny Powers? I thought we’d explore that with this little gallery of some awesome Eastbound & Down fan art that I dug up. Come for the baseball cards, stay for the chest tattoo. Seriously.

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We’re just four days away from the premiere of the fourth and final season of HBO’s comedy Eastbound & Down, in case you’ve missed my nightly tributes to my favorite show in the world in the history of all-time and forever. HBO released two new clips today, and I’ve got the first right here to whet your whistle a little before Sunday’s new episode at 10 PM ET. In it, we see that Kenny Powers is living the normal life, working in a car rental place, and that’s clearly something he was never meant to do. Will he snap out of it and try to pursue a way back to fame and fortune? Of course, otherwise there wouldn’t be a fourth season.

NFL Thursday Night Football: 49ers at Rams – 8:25 PM ET on NFL Network

Can Colin Kaepernick stop making me tear out my beautiful hair? Probably not.

NCAA Football: Virginia Tech at Georgia Tech – 7:30 PM ET on ESPN

I don’t want to sound like a dick, but Tech-nically this game blows.

Just kidding, I’m sure it will be great.

NCAA Football: Howard at NC A&T – 7:30 PM ET on ESPNU
NCAA Football: Iowa State at Tulsa – 7:30 PM ET on Fox Sports 1

Well, at least FS1 can beat ESPNU tonight.

MLB: Angels at Rangers – 7 PM ET on MLB Network

The Rangers trail the Cleveland Indians by a game for the second AL Wild Card spot, and I really want the Indians to get it so Brandon will be happy. Otherwise, he beats me.

Eastbound & Down returns this Sunday for its fourth and final season. The GIF you see above was taken from the first official trailer. It is the best Kenny Powers GIF, which is saying something, because there have been many, many great Kenny Powers GIFs. I will now rank the Top 5 parts of it:

5) Kenny’s t-shirt. Tucking your t-shirt into your jeans is generally not advisable unless you are a 50-year-old suburban dad and it is a Saturday afternoon, but exceptions can be made in extreme circumstances. I think we can all agree “Kenny Powers dancing next to a child who is firing an automatic weapon” is an extreme circumstance. Also, if the shirt was untucked no one would see the gold belt buckle that matches his bracelet and chain, and then what’s even the point of any of it, you know?

4) The fact that a child is firing an automatic weapon. I’m cool with if it Kenny’s cool with it. Kenny appears to be very cool with it.

3) Kenny’s gold gun chain. Kenny Powers has a gold chain that is shaped like a gun. Please make a note.

2) The fact that the action is taking place in front of a backyard clubhouse with a blue plastic slide. There are many things to look forward to about the upcoming season of Eastbound & Down. Figuring out what the hell is happening here is at the top of my list.

1) The Kenny Powers Shimmy. Number one with a bullet. Or many bullets. Fired from a gun held by a child. In front of a plastic slide.

The other day, my good friend (we’ll call him Ted Notarealperson) asked me, “Hey Burnsy, what’s with all the Eastbound & Down posts? Are you shilling for HBO or something?” And I said, “No” because I’m just a huge Eastbound & Down fan; however, I’d gladly shill for just about anybody if they asked (especially you, Taco Bell and/or Jeep). Tomorrow night at 10 PM ET, Kenny Powers will make his magnificent return for the fourth and final season of Eastbound & Down, and it will be awesome because this show is simply awesome.

But to make his return even more glorious than it already is, Kenny Powers (or Danny McBride to some sticklers) has recorded a series of messages to the fans of baseball’s biggest cities, each one more ridiculous and outstanding than the next. So I went ahead and gathered several (or 10) of my favorites and paired them with my equally favorite Kenny Powers fashion statements from the first three seasons.

Fast cars, non-ironic facial hair, jorts and wasting cheap light beer in an obvious tribute to a professional wrestler: That’s what America does, baby!

This True American Hero was captured on film at the Talladega Superspeedway on Sunday where Dale Earnhardt, Jr. drove to victory in the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series GEICO 500. Earnhardt put on quite the show, leading in 67 laps and winning by all of 0.159 seconds, but the real entertainment was happening on the infield, where a young gentleman who looks like Kenny Powers made his family proud by sporting jean shorts and dumping beer all over himself.

If you’ve got a legitimate argument for not putting this man on American currency, we’d love to hear it. Otherwise, we’ll start drafting the petition to put him on the $10. Alexander Hamilton wasn’t even president, so this guy’s definitely a bigger Patriot.

(Via BroBible)

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Are you crying into your hands about not going to San Diego Comic-Con or otherwise down about pedestrian weekend plans? Well…

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That’s right, Kenny Powers is here to save your weekend. Just ignore all planned social obligations and go over to HBO Now tonight or tomorrow morning to start re-watching the adventures of the world’s greatest flame-throwing relief pitcher, style icon, and silver tongued idiot. Before you feast on the odyssey of Powers, though, let us prime you for the experience with this collection of both Kenny Powers’ most memorable lines and some of his best GIFs.
“When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom, multi-million dollar deals, endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my sh*t. Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a f*cking cannon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm.”

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You can focus on Kenny’s delusions of grandeur, but I’ll let that last Whitesnake-power-ballad-lyric-worthy line illuminate the meaty jack-o-lantern that is my body.

“Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country, and the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.”

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Kenny would have made a hell of a Congressman.

“I’ve been blessed with many things in this life… an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a Burmese python, and the mind of a f*cking scientist.”

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This is the sh*t I say every time I hit six-zero on the speed pitch at the carnival before I walk away with my comically sized inflatable baseball bat with the logo of a non-regionally appropriate team on it. The carnies love it. They’re good people. They do have souls, you know.
“I got two hard rules I live by, Pop: I don’t f*ck with the devil, and I never do tag teams with blood relatives.”

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Every man’s gotta have a code, but that’s specific!

“This is me every night, dude. Just staring at buttholes and getting a buzz on.”

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You could take that two ways, really. Maybe Kenny is just sitting at a bar getting lit on cerveza while staring at a bunch of unsavory tourist types that seem like buttholes. And then there’s that other interpretation that’s wholly logical and Powers-esque.

“Well, it’s no mystery that ass has always been tits greatest enemy. It’s almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass.”

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Meet the Press need a new host?

“I’m a bulletproof tiger, dude!”

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Let’s break this down: First, Kenny has the mind of a scientist, so it’s conceivable that he could splice the sh*t out of some elements and come up with an actual Kevlar-skinned tiger. Fast and furious and unstoppable by conventional means, Kenny would doubtlessly use said tiger to vanquish his rivals and impress the ladies with his mastery over the beast, which would no-doubt look to him as a father figure and spirit animal. That’s right, Kenny Powers is the bulletproof tiger’s spirit animal, not the other way around.

“I play real sports. I’m not trying to be the best at exercising.”

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Same! E-Sports, but same!

“I’m just an average American… with extraordinary hair.”

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This world is filled with people who will always find cause to disagree with every statement, despite the white hot truth lightning that’s being served to them on a platter. The veracity of this statement, however, is impossible to contest or deny. It’s the bulletproof tiger of statements.

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When you’ve got the show-stopping, high-volume charisma of Danny McBride turbo charging his performance of Kenny “F*ckin'” Powers, it’s easy to overlook the rather impressive list of guest stars Eastbound & Down featured over the course of its four seasons (which you can watch on HBO Go and HBO Now). From sitcom stars to Hollywood heavyweights, the show’s relentless in-your-face tone has allowed for its guest stars to give their most hilarious, exaggerated, and over-the-top performances.

Here, we take a look at some of those who were able to match the intensity of Kenny Powers whenever they were on screen, from friendly rivals to former teammates.

Will Ferrell – Ashley Schaeffer

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“I thought Ashley Schaeffer was gonna be a woman,” says Kenny Powers when he first meets the shifty owner of a BMW dealership. “I love women, and I consider that a compliment,” Will Ferrell’s self-satisfied character responds, with a kind of soft-spoken Foghorn Leghorn accent. Despite their somewhat cordial beginning, Schaeffer and Powers will tax each other multiple times throughout the show’s run, but Schaeffer’s racist, “Old South” attitudes eventually come back to beat the crap out of him.

Craig Robinson – Reg Mackworthy

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The man whose home run ended Kenny’s pitching career in the Major Leagues, Kenny’s rivalry with Reg is quick to reignite once he shows up at a promotional event, all thanks to Ashley Schaeffer’s malicious plan to drive up BMW sales. This isn’t a one-off appearance for Reg, either, but it sure is a one-out appearance for his eye, thanks to a Kenny Powers special.

Lily Tomlin – Tammy Powers

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When Kenny Powers’ mom is introduced, it’s clear that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. From her profanity-ridden rant when her bowling frame is interrupted to her encyclopedia-like knowledge of the effects of various pills when taken together, it’s clear where Kenny gets it from.

Matthew McConaughey – Roy McDaniel

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A talent scout from Texas who comes to Mexico to give Kenny his big chance to work his way back up to the big leagues, eventually, anyway. He has a calm, straight-forward approach to his job (just like McConaughey does when he’s selling us all Lincolns), and it turns out to be a rather graphic rendition of prayer, which includes him encouraging Kenny to “suck his dream’s dick.”

Adam Scott – Pat Anderson

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Like a lot of people Kenny meets, Pat’s the kind of guy to insert himself into a situation and start making jokes about someone’s dead father. Once that’s out of the way, he introduces himself as the assistant to the assistant coach of Tampa, explaining that their franchise is in need of a “shot of personality.” Once Kenny confirms that all his racist, homophobic slurs are still a part of who he is, Pat happily agrees to sign him.

Don Johnson – Eduardo Sanchez Powers

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Spending much of the second season in Mexico, Kenny eventually finds himself meeting his ATV-loving father, Eduardo Sanchez. Immediately, the two quickly brag about their respective wealth and success, from Kenny’s investments in stocks, bonds and famous works of art to Eduardo’s hole-digging, which he does to hide all of his income.

Ken Marino – Guy Young

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While Kenny is trying to enjoy life in the suburbs, posing for photos with demanding rental car customers, he crosses paths with his old teammate Guy Young, who brings Kenny on his popular sports talk TV show, only to eventually use it as an opportunity to humiliate him. As the two find themselves pitted against one another, it leads to the greatest water jetpack-wearing stare-downs of all-time.

Jillian Leigh Bell – Dixie

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One of the show’s more subdued performances, the characters of Gene and his controlling wife Dixie remind Kenny what he’s in for when resigning his life to the suburbs. Or, from their perspective, a perfectly nice couple wallowing in perpetual misery that also have to put up with April’s crass and unpleasant husband, Kenny.

Ike Barinholtz – Ivan Dochenko

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Kenny really, really did not like Ivan Dochenko, a young, Russian-born pitcher who’s star is rising. For all these reasons, including him being Russian, Kenny makes it clear to Ivan that he is his enemy, despite them both playing for the Myrtle Beach Mermen.

Jason Sudeikis – Shane

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Kenny’s hard-partying former teammate and best friend. Together, he and Shane make non-stop Top Gun references, all while Kenny tries to hide his insecurity about the upcoming game from him. After all, they’re friends, not someone he “tells sh*t to.” Once Kenny eventually blows it on the mound, he and Shane take solace in some “monster rails” of cocaine, where the lifestyle starts to catch up to one of them — all to the tune of The Bangles’ “Walk Like an Egyptian.”

Sudeikis also appears as Cole, Shane’s more straight-laced brother.

Sacha Baron Cohen – Ronnie Thelman

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If there’s anything bad to say about Sacha Baron Cohen’s performance, it’s that he doesn’t appear until the show’s final episode. As the comfortably amoral head of the network, he shows up to Kenny’s show after his meltdown during the Christmas Special, looking to make a few drastic changes to capitalize on his star’s irate personality.

Lindsay Lohan & Alexander Skarsgard – Shayna and Toby

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In the show’s rambling epilogue, with Kenny Powers writing his own life story years into the future, Lohan and Skarsgard show up as his fully grown children. Skarsgard’s performance, in particular, is effective, thanks mostly to his facial expressions, which is helpful because they’re both completely silent performances.

Honorary Mention: Seth Rogen – Guy at the bar

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After proving himself to be an obnoxious jerk when hitting on a girl in a bar, he follows her out to the street, where he offers her a heartfelt apology, just before being run over by a truck. While Rogen didn’t get the chance to steal a scene from KP, Powers does get to steal the deceased’s job as the closer for Texas due to the accident.

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Thanksgiving is a time for gathering around dead animals and feasting like hedonistic Romans. It’s also a time for watching your drunk uncle pass out at the dinner table after drinking one too many brandy sifters and gorging himself on all the dark meat. For the latter, there’s no better imbibing uncle to have than Kenny Powers (Danny McBride).

The star of Eastbound & Down (available to stream on HBO NOW), Powers was a one-man wrecking crew on the mound, but he was also a devastating jackhammer when it came to familial events. To say Powers had no chill would be an understatement. Everything he did boasted an exorbitant amount of panache, from drinking and drugging to extremely existential monologues about his career prospects. That’s why, if you were to ever pick a television character to spend Thanksgiving with, Kenny Powers would be the ultimate. Here are a few reasons why Powers is the best choice for turkey-day companionship.

Family Time Includes Target Practice

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While Kenny Powers might not be the best at judging what is a proper (or smart) activity for a kid to engage in — he did plaster naked women all over his son’s bedroom walls —  it’s pretty clear that handling a weapon while your demented uncle gyrates and cavorts next to you looks like it would be fun.

A Game Of Catch Turns Into Deep Discussion Of Career Paths

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Imagine the scenario: Your Uncle Kenny invites you out into the backyard for a game of catch. Things are going swimmingly until Kenny begins talking about his life path, and the fizzling out of his dreams. Watch Uncle Kenny fall into a deep vortex of depression, anxiety, and self-loathing as the first wisps of liquor pour into his blackened soul. All you wanted to do was throw a ball around. Nothing is ever simple with Uncle Kenny.

Playing With Uncle Kenny’s Toys Is Fun… For A While

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Just because Kenny brought his jet ski to a family event does not mean that anyone can hop on at any time — he’s just trying to be prepared in case he hooks up with a prostitute that needs to be drenched by the ski’s wake.

Can you even fathom the high price of such a high-end jet ski and how greasy kid fingerprints will affect its resale value? Let’s not even talk about the possible damage that could be done to the steering while a child imagines a future where his own glorious mullet soars in the sea breeze as he glides across the water like some kind of God.

Uncle Kenny Is Cool With Kids Until Poop Happens

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Everyone wants to hold the cute baby of the family until poopy happens. For that occasion, it’s best to keep Kenny away from the children. Not only is he not adroit at changing diapers, Uncle Kenny is just plain terrible when it comes to understanding the immature characteristics of youth. It’s almost like Kenny was born as a 41-year-old man with a joint hanging out of his mouth and a baggie of white substance hiding in his trousers — he forgets he was a kid once.

The Obligatory Dance Session Is Always Entertaining

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Pants-off, dance-off time? Hell yes! Turkey and Jim Beam are a hell of a combo, but while your family might have one relative who is guided by those things and eager to shake it, few have the moves like Kenny Powers. Though, to be fair, there’s more than gravy fueling his display.

Uncle Kenny’s Friend’s Are A Blast

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Kenny likes to hang out with an assortment of… well, let’s say peculiar friends. But what is one man’s peculiarity is another’s entertainment. Take Kenny’s friend Stevie, for instance. Stevie is not known to have the most verbose stock of terms when it comes to describing his plight as a hanger-on. Nor does he express himself in the most proper of fashions. But, give him a knife hand, and Stevie becomes one of the Thanksgiving memories that you would Instagram and cherish forever… if only you were hanging with K-P this turkey day and not your own weird family.

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It’s that time of year again. The day when you stare into the bathroom mirror and regret those third servings of stuffing that you pounded amidst various holiday feasts. It’s that time of year when you blow the dust off of your daily planner, your ’97 treadmill, and the jogging shoes you wore for one week in January. Never mind those false starts in your past. You have a life coach now, and his name is Kenny Powers from Eastbound and Down (which is available to stream on HBO Now).

You might be thinking, “KP is a deviant and a scumbag who’s live revolves around drugs, women, and rock & roll.” To which we say: point taken. But let’s, for a second, peel away those layers of debauchery, and take a look at the motivations behind the (anti)hero. He’s a winner on the baseball field. (Well, most of the time.) He’s interested in health and wellness. He’s a testament to the American Dream — a strong-willed warrior who can attest to the adage that hard work pays dividends.

Are we embellishing? Maybe a tad bit, but there’s no question that if you pay close attention, Kenny Powers has the road to success in 2016 mapped out. Let us follow upon that road, and make this upcoming year the “year of us.”

Take Your Physical Fitness To The Next Level

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One of your first steps in creating the best you for 2016 is getting into better shape. Raising your level of physical fitness will bleed into other areas of life like work and sex, and just about everything is more enjoyable when you’re not wheezing at the bottom of your staircase. Kenny Powers knows a thing or two about working out. Just remember that, like Kenny, you don’t have to be the best at exercising.

Take Your Significant Other Out Dancing…

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… Or on a date — anything, really. The point is to have some fun in 2016. Life is short. Make the most of it by going to a salsa club, hitting up a fancy restaurant, or even hacking your way through an 18-hole round of mini golf. Kenny Powers likes to have fun. Whether it’s dancing with friends, riding around in expensive jet-skis, or blowing rails with some of his less reputable buddies, Powers knows how to have a grand time. Hit the dance floor like nobody’s watching and don’t be afraid to throw some faux ejaculate at your dance partner.

NOTE: No, don’t do that last bit.

Let Supplements Fill In The Holes In Your Diet

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We aren’t encouraging you to take steroids like Kenny Powers did. It made him angry. It also made his muscles as swollen as Stevie’s belly. What you might like to do, though, is fill in the holes in your diet — for some, there are lots of holes — and supplement with some basics: a multivitamin, fish oil, and perhaps a co-enzyme Q 10 product to increase heart health. You should try to get everything else from your diet, unless you’re a high-performance athlete like Powers. In that case, feel free to stuff mountains of pre-workout formula down your gullet.

Just don’t be surprised when your heart explodes.

Treat Yourself

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You work hard all week long. You put in long hours, respond to emails when you’re off the clock, and you’re always willing to take on new tasks even if it means you’ll have less “you” time. For that, you deserve to treat yourself. Be like Powers and dress nicely; get a pedicure; slap on a fancy dress or three-piece suit and hit the town. Hell, buy yourself some new toys, spend a weekend putting them through test runs with your buddies, or strap a prostitute to the back of a new, shiny motorized vehicle and hit the damn town.

Marketing Makes Money

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How are people supposed to know just how valuable you are? Do you have Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn profiles? No? What are you waiting for? The internet was basically created for self-promotion, so get on your giddy up and start marketing yourself online. Don’t wait any longer for the opportunities to come to you. Do you think Kenny waited to be asked to go on the mound and throw heat? Nope! He went out there and took the proverbial bull by the balls and swung that b*tch around like it owed him money.

Remember his marketing campaign at Ashley Schaeffer’s car lot? He blew out a guy’s eye for that. Now go and blow out some proverbial eyeballs.

Celebrate Life

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None of your efforts in 2016 will matter if you don’t stop to appreciate the gifts bestowed upon you throughout the year. Make it a daily task to write down the things you’re appreciative of — call it your appreciation journal. When he’s winning (and that’s a lot), Kenny Powers loves life. He loves baseball, he loves kicking ass on the mound, and he loves being a superstar and all the caveats that come with it. As we draw to the close of another fantastic year of living above ground, remember the things you do have on this planet, and let it inform your choices, motivations, and generosity. Better yet, go to Mexico, join an organized sport, and do some air-humping every now and then.

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Time and again, Kenny Powers (Danny McBride) proved he was not a complicated man, although, over four seasons on Eastbound and Down (available to stream anytime on HBO Now), he has proven himself to be a number of things. He’s a pitcher, a former wunderkind of Major League Baseball, a substitute teacher, a Jet Ski enthusiast, and above all, he’s a man who loves to win. He freely admits at one point that he hates losing more than he hates cancer. As expected, with a cocksure attitude and the impossibly high expectations he sets for himself, one thing Kenny Powers is definitely not is humble.

In Kenny’s world, there is only Kenny, and there is only Kenny being awesome. Should you find yourself in a position where you question your awesomeness, simply refer to these awesome Kenny Powers quotes to remind you that there’s not always a time or a place to be humble.

“I’m not trying to sound cocky or full of myself, but Kenny Powers has a sneaking suspicion that no matter what comes his way he will always be great. Because that’s just the way sh*t works sometimes.”

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Starting off, we not only have a great self-aggrandizing declaration, but it’s a fantastic example of how everything that gets said before the word ‘but’ becomes irrelevant. The fact that he’s listening to himself read his own autobiography, in which he refers to himself in the third person, makes it all the better. When you can be this comfortable with yourself and your own ego, who has time to be humble?

“Kenny Powers is a man. Kenny Powers is an athlete. Kenny Powers is a lover. But the most he is, I mean, the thing that Kenny Powers is the most, is a goddamn champion.”

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For Kenny, being awesome isn’t just about knowing yourself, it’s about making sure that everyone else knows about you, too. After taking a gig teaching PE, he lets the school know exactly how awesome he is via intercom — complete with a bullet-point breakdown of his personality, and what exactly it means to be a winner. If you’re fortunate enough to be born awesome, why not share it with those around you?

“The humongous part about being a celebrity is cashing in on it — making sh*tloads of money, having expensive, luxurious things. That way, in case one day you’re not famous, you can still be rich as hell and better than everyone around you.”

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A lot of Kenny Powers seems to be nothing but a bunch of impulsive, childish rants delivered by an egomaniac. And while all of that is true, he did have a little bit of foresight about his future when writing his autobiography. Kenny always seemed aware that his fame would someday start to deteriorate, and he talked like he’d planned for the worst. Of course, he didn’t, but this could be where you actually do one better than Kenny and plan for the future while you still can, especially if it involves buying up luxurious things.

“Fundamentals are a crutch for the talentless.”

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When you’re blessed with natural ability (and a fine-assed head of hair), you can leave the practice field for everyone else. For a little while, at least.

“No offense, but… You got a sh*tty job, you’re not quite as tall as me, nobody really respects you. Now, me on the other hand, I got the glory.”

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As Kenny prepares for what he thinks is going to be his triumphant return to the majors, he takes time to reflect over his brief time as a substitute gym teacher. He even concedes victory to Cutler (Andrew Daly), realizing that despite everything he’s had in life, he still didn’t have April (Katy Mixon), the woman he loved. It’s the closest Kenny might ever get to being humble, although it’s more like him admitting that being humble is a human condition that exists. Also, don’t ever be afraid to use your height to your advantage.

“Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I’m the man who has the ball. I’m the man who can throw it faster than f*ck. So, that is why I’m better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my d*ck, everyone.”

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Perhaps the quote that best sums up Kenny’s philosophy on life, having both the ball and the ability to throw it “faster than f*ck” gave him both a career and celebrity status. Kenny simply wasn’t satisfied with the fame and notoriety that being a major league star pitcher afforded him, though. Instead, he took all of those things, put them together, and parlayed it into a lifestyle. That lifestyle, quite simply, didn’t have room for being humble. In fact, it only had room for one thing, and that is Kenny F*cking Powers.

“You want me to make some noise? Then noise you shall see.”

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If you’re ever given an opportunity to showcase just how awesome you are, preferably in front of a large crowd, look no further than Kenny Powers when it comes to making a big entrance. Just remember, the balloons, the fireworks, and the music, they’re all there to highlight you, because you’re just too awesome to be humble right now.

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